I mentioned this before but it's so important for me it just has to be repeated..!




( TAIWAN )

how stupid, how silly. ha
it's so easy to believe,
its so easy to just go with it.
but it cant be trusted, every minute, anytime, it can all be gone.
he might change his mind as soon as he confronts it

cant the time just pass faster?
i am so sure
i hate that its not in my hands.

How funny.
The last couple of days, I was happy again,
because it seemed like things were getting back on the right track.
Going back to being normal.

But stupid me had to ask about the why.
Hoping for a sweet answer.
Instead I got something worse than the usual "I don't know".

But hey, it's better to know.
Better than to bathe in the security that wasn't actually there.

Now it's back to being afraid.
I can't even blame him though, like I could with the other guys.
It is me who is failing him.
I can't even make him smile anymore.
They just walked out without an explanation,
I know now, I must have failed them too somehow.
But they don't matter, they never did.
I realized that after I met him.


But just hang in there for a little while longer.
Every little thing might just be alright. I gather.

Tomorrow another step can be taken.

yes, it's happening again, how shocking.
i can't do anything about it,
helpless,
watching him drift away.
again.

the ridiculous part?
I was happier than ever, ha.

I still feel like this giddy highschool girl, falling in love for the first time.
Every day I get excited about talking to him. My heart pounds faster the closer it gets to 10am.
The more it hurts to see him being so annoyed.
Feel his inexplainable anger towards me.

I keep racking my brain, but I can't think of anything that I've done wrong.
Every single day I try my best to make him happy.
Yet I always fail. I know he deserves so much better.
I know I am so selfish to not let him go.

I can't get myself to relax like I could a couple of weeks back.

He's the reason I want to live.
And suddenly life is such a pain.

no, not okay, not at all.
this wasnt supposed to happen, not like that.
its all wrong, all wrong, but why?
why couldnt it go the way it should have? just that one time?

i love my Jon, more than anything, its been so many years, thats one thing that hasnt changed.
but is it enough to let him go?
spare him my crazyness? and not make him feel bad because of me?
i hate that i make him angry, annoy him, but i never do it on purpose.
if i love him enough, i should let him be? let go and send him on his way?
so he can be free?
i dont want to, i cant, i refuse.
not without a way out for me too.
sure messed that up.

i dont want to put him in a bad mood,
but i also dont want to be in a bad mood myself.
i want to feel loved, needed, wanted.
is that too much?

its all gone wrong, this isnt how its supposed to be.

and my stupid keyboard is sticky with that spilled drink,
i need to find another way now,
how ridiculous, how pathetic.

this love, its all i have left, this love, is all i ever needed.

so scared, what will i do if he turns away now?
theres no way, not now.

gah, please love me? dont stop, please dont stop.

Is it already starting?
Or is it just temporary bad mood?
I wish he'd find comfort in me like I find comfort in him.
Turning to me when in need, instead of lashing out when I try to help.

I hope these past 2 weeks were just an exception.
It can't stay like that.
It was so great before.
Or is it time for me already?

Please don't let it turn bad.
I'm scared, really scared.

I love you.
So much.

Things are really great lately,
the visit to Frankfort was really neccessary and amazing.
I wasn't scared, although I probably should have been.
With him wanting to end everything we had,
with the lies about the drugs.
And in my head I was already prepared for "one last time".
Oh, I was absolutely sure it would be great to see him again, to be together again,
I just wasn't sure whether there would be a happy ending.

Yes, there were a few ups and downs,
mainly because the subject that I hate so much would always resurface,
slapping me in the face again and again,
to the point where I'd just lay there cry and shake.
But I told myself I could deal with it,
you know, after those weeks in Kentucky "every little thing's gonna be alright".

I apologized to him, when I finally couldn't hold it in anymore,
when I told him what was tearing me up.
I apologized for hating what he loves.
Why did I do that?
Because I knew, he will never chose me over drugs.
I finally found out why he was always away in the past.
To take his drugs.

We had a few disturbing talks,
making me sick and scared,
but then again I knew things could be alright in the end,
so I thought about that and relaxed.

And another thing he said that I hadn't considered before,
he lied to me about it, because he wanted to keep me,
knowing that I'd run off or cause trouble if I knew about it.
That had me thinking.


The trip was great apart from that.

He told me when I go back, he would be around again,
if I could accept what he does,
so he doesn't have to leave and hide it from me.
I didn't expect that at all and it hit me completely off guard.
I think it was starting at that point when I thought I might actually be able to deal with it for real.

And before that,
when I didn't think about it, I really enjoyed myself.
We didn't do a whole lot of things,
mainly just hung out together,
meeting his friends sometimes,
went to a couple of shows.
A high was definitely the night in the jacuzzi suite,
the movie, the Alizé, the Jägerbombs, the swimming, the tepanyaki dinner, the jacuzzi~



But there really isn't too much to do in Frankfort
- yet I did not want to leave at all.

I didn't think I could love Jon any more than I already did,
but I stumbled and fell head over heels - way deeper than before.
I have this weird urge to devour him all the time now,
yum~
Not my fault he tastes great when I bite.


It has been almost 3 weeks now,
and so far things are really really really really great.
He has kept his word,
he is around,
he is sweet,
he gets up for the most part,
he hits his little stinky pipe.
I still don't like it much, but I am dealing with it my way.
And I have to admit, it is not that bad.
I also won't lie and say every single day has been great,
it ain't really his fault though,
I get antsy and agitated when he isn't around.
And I am over-sensitive to him being rough sometimes.
But I can deal with that, too.
When I'm busy being dizzy - I don't mind the crap so much.

I hope things not turn bad again,
I am scared shitless,
but every day, he takes a little bit of fear away.
Proving that he means it this time.
Jon is great!



I think about the future often now.
I kept believing that he would come live with me in Germany,
we'd both take over my parents' business that they are starting to build.
The construction actually starts this month.
My parents keep telling me how excited they are,
how happy they are that they have me,
how much sweat and blood and money they are putting into the new company,
just so that I have a good future ahead of me...

No, he doesn't want to come live here anymore.
And honestly?
I do not want to take over the company without him.
It would mean a life without Jon, I would be bound.

Lately I have been thinking about dropping out of school and going there.
Living there in Frankfort,
where everybody knows and has slept with everybody.
I could, what?
Work at Walmart, Taco Bell or something, right?
Just get a decent income, which might or might not pay for rent and food,
but none of that would matter too much, right?
As long as we are together~
Oh right, the problem of residency permit.
I couldn't get into college there, my parents wouldn't support me.


I feel so bad,
I don't want to hurt them,
but all my life I have been doing what they want me to do.
Good grades at school,
great university for energy engineering,
awesome university for MBA,
saying yes to staying with them at the company.
It is what they want.
I didn't mind too much, because I never knew what I wanted myself.
My whole life I have been doing things for them, never for me.
I studied hard to get straight A's,
so my mom wouldn't cry and yell when she saw an A-

I was never allowed to have a boyfriend,
and they were strict about it,
I wasn't exactly obedient in that aspect,
probably the only one.

I usually get along with them fine.
But I can never talk to my mom about anything that really bugs me.
I tried so many times over the years.
But she freaks out every single time.
I can't tell her anything that's important.


She got so angry when I had to talk to Jon while we were in Portugal.
First she yelled at me and then she wouldn't talk to me for a whole day.
When I am at home, I always feel like I have to hide that I am talking to him,
the moment she sees that I'm on the phone she tells me to hang up.
And when I clutch my cell and text with him because he just got up,
she will keep asking me what I'm doing or tell me to put the phone away.
When I am all happy about the trip to see him,
she tells me she never wants me to go back again.


It makes it so hard for me.
I love my parents,
but when they act like that, it repels me.
The more she tries to keep me away from him,
the more I want to be with him.

Don't get me wrong,
she loves him,
thinks he is a great kid,
but she doesn't believe he can give me the future that she wants for me.
She thinks this will end badly,
because he probably won't come to Germany,
and there is no way she'd let me go to be with him.
I never talked to her about the future, this is stuff she came up with herself.
I guess she ain't that far off.

But everybody turns on their parents and decide for their partner at some point, right?


Jon and me are both happy right now,
and I hope it never changes,
but I'm scared and confused about the future,
I also don't want to ruin his life by being with me.